Winner Winner!

I want this stuff. Surrisly. My ass needs a good scrubbing with some delishus smelling bath goodies. And looking like a normal human is probably a good thing?

http://anirishitalianblessing.blogspot.com/2012/01/lush-opi-nyx-giveaway-new-year-new-me.html

Vacation Had To Get Away!!

We are finally home and settling back in from our vacation. Vacations can be great, while you are on them. But once you come back home and try to get things back to normal all freaking hell breaks loose. And the laundry. Oh fuck me gently the laundry seems like it multiplies in your suitcases while you sleep. Like the socks and underwear are having secret sexy times in there or something.

Monkey had her first day of school yesterday and it went great. Until we tried to pick her up. That little shit ran into the girl's bathroom, hid in a stall and held the door closed. They were turning the lights off and everything and her ass still wouldn't leave. We had to remove her physically from the building. It was good times.

Carbuncle is also acting like an insane pirate hooker again. I honestly think it's because her routine was so fucked up while we were gone, especially on the days we were driving. Today, thank tiny baby jebus, she is at least napping like a normal baby. So let us hope she doesn't scream for 4 hours again like she did last night. She has her 2 month check up on Monday, so I'm going to address the insane screaming fits with the Dr. But, I assume they will pull my favorite "she'll grow out of it" line. I fucking love it when they say that. It's what they say when they have no good answer. And it makes me feel stabby. Which seems to happen to me a lot...

The Worst Day?

Do you have a worst parenting day ever? I mean, a day you remember as being horrible in every way that made you feel inept and unworthy to be a mother? I'm sure you have. For me? It was the day that Monkey was in the hospital for MRSA and had emergency surgery (at 10pm). She was only 15 months old, and it was just awful stuff. That was my worst parenting day ever. Was. Until yesterday. Carbunlce was an inconsolable bear, Monkey was acting like an insane cracked out hooker, and even the dogs were being asshairs. Carbuncle wouldn't eat, sleep or anything at all. She was grabbing and yanking on my nipple, which felt awesome, and if we put her down she just screamed and thrashed around. So the Boy took her for a walk, and that worked while he was walking. But it started to rain so they came back. As soon as he walked in the door Carbuncle started her screamfest again. While they were gone, Monkey was put in her room for a time out after stealing her crayons off the counter. See, she wasn't allowed to have them, because she colored on my mother humping carpet on Friday. So no crayons for her little Monet ass. She stole them, though, and when we tried to get them back she threw them and started acting like a fucking banshee. So to her room she went. Where she fell asleep for 2 hours. Little rat.

So after the entire afternoon sucked ass we get to around 7:30, our normal dinner time. I had shrimp out and was going to make these canapes that we love. Welllll that didn't quite work out. Carbuncle started really freaking out then. So I tried to feed her at the table while the Boy cooked. She wanted no parts of that. I brought her down to the family room and tried nursing again. She started ripping at and biting at my nipple and just screamed and screamed. And, this is where the worst parenting day ever comes in. I yelled at her. My adorable, sweet, 8 week old baby. I started sobbing and the boy came and got the Carbuncle. I just lost it. I'm talking gasping, gulping, snot dripping sobbing and crying. Poor Monkey was down there with me and she started crying too, because I was scaring her. All three of the females in this house were a mess. My poor boy just let me cry it out and once I was calmer I took the 'Buncle back and nursed her for a few minutes until she fell asleep. The Boy finished cooking dinner and I held her so I could at least eat something.

So now it's 9:00 and I realize Carbuncle hasn't pooped in 3 days (again) and that is probably the reason she is acting insane. So I get a suppository, or butt rocket, if you are us, and do what you do with those. Which, incidentally, I don't think any parent should ever have to do... She pooped immediately and I put her in her pjs and swaddle thing and try to nurse her again. No dice. She just didn't want to eat. I walked her around, I bounced, I swayed, I jiggled. Nothing. We put Monkey to bed, and she goes easily and quietly. FINALLY at 10pm I get the Carbuncle to settle the hell down. She nursed about 10 minutes and conked out. I put her ass in her crib and she slept this morning until 5:45, then back to bed at 6:15 until 9ish.

Between my absolute total meltdown and screaming at my 8 week old, it was BY FAR my worst parenting day ever. Thank tiny baby jebus that today is going much better. Everyone has been easier to deal with, including myself, so yesterday can be put away into the Motherhood Hall of Shame... Where it belongs.

This Job DOES Suck Sometimes!

So here is a new thing for me. A blog hop. I think you can guess I'm not much of a joiner, but this one is right up my alley. Seriously. Somewhere I can link into to whine about motherhood? Sign me the frig up!! I'll do it every Friday, so I can whine more productively!




For today's post? Baby smell. I HATE that "sweet" baby smell. I freaking hate the way baby lotions and soaps make my kids smell. It reminds me of old ladies and hospitals, not exactly what I wish my cherubs (!) to smell like. So I use unscented dove soap on their bodies, and strawberry scented shampoo on Monkey's hair. I don't use it on Carbuncle's hair, because, well, she doesn't have any yet. Most women love the new baby smell, it makes me want to vomit so I can rub it on the baby to remove the skank smell. Issues? No thanks, I've got plenty!

Sweet Relief!

Peace has returned to our kingdom!!! Whatever bug crawled up Carbuncle's ass has been expelled and she is back to her normal baby self! She has even been, dare I say it!? Sleeping through the freaking night! At 7 weeks old. Fucking SCORE bitches! She has been sleeping from 10:30 - 6ish every night and it's some good shit. I hardly know what to do with myself now that I'm not a walking zombie. You never realize how tired you are/were until you start getting good sleep again. And since I've been an insomniac for years, it's especially true in my case. The Boy had off yesterday and Tuesday and I even napped on those days. It was like sleep overload. But I will take it every time. It's a beautiful thing. The Monkey slept through the night around 8 weeks old, so apparently we just have kids who like their sleep. For a while the Monkey would sleep from 9:30 until 10 and then still take a nap in the afternoon. That was some good stuff right there. I'm hopeful I can turn Carbuncle into a lazy shit like the rest of us too. It shouldn't be hard, I'm like a pro...

There really isn't all that much else going on around here. The Boy starts a new shift on the next schedule that has set days every week that he'll work. It's something like Monday Wednesday Thursday one week, then Monday Tuesday Friday the next. So he would have a long weekend every other week. It's both awesome and sucky. It's awesome for camping, we could leave Thursday night and stay until late Sunday, it's easier to schedule appointments and things, and it's good to always know what to expect each week. On the suck side of the argument, if I need him here on his scheduled days, he can't really take off or schedule around it, and there is a late night every 3 weeks or so and right now it's only once every 6 weeks. So it'll be another small adjustment for us. I just hope when the née hospital opens up he can work there. It's 2 miles away, would take him 5 minutes to get to and from work, and we would save a shitton of money on his parking and gas to the city everydamnday.

We go to the beach again next Saturday, for 10 days. My parentals rented us a villa this time, since they are staying in their own house (um how freaking dare you stay in your own shit?!) so that'll be interesting. We've never done that and I'm not big on cleaning shit up, so I don't really know how that's going to fly. I'm also dreading the car ride. It was a lot more convenient to go there when it was a 4 hour drive instead of the 10-12 hour hell it is now. Stopping on the side of the road in the middle of nofuckingwhere to breastfeed was not a fun time when Carbuncle was 2 weeks old, so I can only imagine the great time it'll be now. In the end it's so worth it to go to my favorite place on earth, but still. If I didn't bitch about it I wouldn't be me!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

The past three days have been awful in my little world. Carbuncle has been SCREAMING all day long, and the only thing that makes her stop is sticking my boob in her mouth. She doesn't even nurse, she just suckles and it's driving me nuts. My poor nips. She refuses to take a pacifier for more than a second or two, and, since she really isn't hungry she won't take a bottle either. She was such a pleasant baby and then it's like she flipped a switch and turned into a colicky monster. She normally has these fits every night from 6-10ish, but this has literally been all. day. evey. day. I need to start drinking heavily.

I wish there was still the possibility of hiring a wet nurse. I would totally pay someone to walk around with their boobs out all the time. Huh. Come to think of it, I bet the Boy would too! He is such a good dad, he is walking around the neighborhood with the Carbuncle to see if that puts her to sleep. It didn't when we went to the store earlier, she screamed in the car, then in the store too. Suck. So full of suck. This stage of Monkey's life was spent with her asleep 97% of the day, with the other 3% power puking from reflux. Every baby has their challenges, I know, but for fucks sake this is awful.

Sooo I started this post at 2:51 pm. It's now almost 12 hours later and I am finally able to finish it. This kid has not stopped screaming all day long. We got her to sleep about 2 hours while the Boy, then me, walked her around the neighborhood. It was hot so we came home and brought the stroller inside, because I didn't want to wake her up. I even got to shower. But I tried to put her to bed at normal time (10:15) and she just screamed like someone was murdering her. The Boy finally stuck her in her swing and that little sucker went right to sleep, and has been asleep for about 30 minutes. At this point I think she is so over-tired that she is misersble from that, as well as whatever the hell else it is that made her pissed in the first place. And silly me thought that since she gave me her first big smiles today it would be better. I guess the jokes on me.

Fat Girl. Walking!

In my efforts to lose weight (both baby and just general I like to eat a lot weight), the Boy, Monkey, Carbuncle and I have all been going on walks 3-4 times a week. Which sounds so lovely. Aww, look at the cute little family all walking at the park. Pft. Sure, we LOOK like we are having fun, but in reality it blows. I'm fat. It's hot. Carbuncle is SCREAMING because she's hungry, Monkey is whining because she's hot and knows I've got a juice box stashed in my bag for her, and the Boy is constantly slapping me on the ass to "motivate me". What a lovely freaking family my fat, sweaty ass.

Tonight was another epic lose the fat walking session. I fed Carbuncle, and as soon as she was done we loaded her up and we all got in the truck and off we went. We tried to use our new jogging stroller, and apparently it is an attack stroller because Carbuncle hated it. She started screaming before we were 10 feet from the truck. I said let's keep going because usually, movement settles her down and she will be fine. Haha. Not this time. So I got her out of the fancy fucking stroller and carried her. Her sweaty, crying, 10+ pound little body. She started sucking on her hand, and then my shirt. Well, shit. She's hungry. Where exactly should I nurse her in the middle of a park!? Now, see, for a normal sized woman, this would present little, if any, difficulties for her. She'd slap on a cover, or maybe not, and whip out the boob and nourish her child. But, for me, and most other women with huge giant mammaries, it's not so easy. See, I can't nurse one handed. Why? Because if I do I'll smother my child. One of my hands must always press my giant encroaching boobs down and away from my child or she will suffocate in the vast land of boobage that I have. I finally break down and put a pacifier in Carbuncle's mouth, which, to my shock, she takes and keeps in her mouth... As long as I hold her. So much for that fancy fucking stroller right?

We huffed it back to the truck, after an hour of this mess, and Carbuncle proceeds to cry the entire way home. We get home, and she eats. For 45 minutes. She falls asleep. I put her down. She wakes up. I feed her, for 20 more minutes. I put her down. She cries. The Boy gets her so I can shower the sweat and tears off. She screams. The. Entire. Time. I. Am. In. There. He brings her to me. I feed her. For 45 minutes. I hand her off to the Boy. And that little shit goes to sleep. I mean, like a rock, we've done the tango and had a rousing round of kickboxing and she didn't move sleep. She's sleeping on me right now and she is sweaty and drooling. The nightly scream and feed sessions are really starting to wear me down. I was so afraid this baby wouldn't nurse well, just like her sister, and we would need to bottle feed. Well I got my damn wish. She wants me, and only me, all the time. Yay? Remember mamas, be careful what you wish for!